Do you think this scenario is focused on toilet training or toilet learning?
Goals for families that value independence or interdependence; some families may be a blend of the two
Goals for Families That Value Independence
Goals for Families That Value Interdependence (mutual dependence)
Child is an individual Child is part of a group Child is unique and special Child learns to establish and keep connections Child develops self-determination Child learns to accept help graciously Child becomes self-reliant Child learns to help others
some extent the child’s adult behavior. Children who aren’t allowed to touch or to try things on their own get a message about their own capabilities. When restricted to an extreme, they can lose their curiosity, their willingness to take risks, and their drive to be independent of others and do things for themselves.
Consider the difference between these two scenes:
Hannah has unbuckled herself from her car seat and is demanding that she be allowed to climb out of the car by herself. “Hannah do it!” she proclaims loudly.
She has never done this before and nobody knows if she can do it safely or not. Her father, annoyed by her demands, steps back out of reach and says in a sarcastic tone, “Go ahead, little girl, show me how grown up you are!” True to her father’s expectations she falls. Crying, she reaches for her father: He picks her up and comforts her. Brushing away her tears, he tells her that she’s too little to do things by herself. He makes it clear that she needs him. Later he tells the story, and the whole family laughs at the little girl who is “too big for her britches.” It becomes a family joke—the “Let Hannah do it” joke.
Now let’s replay that scene:
Here’s Hannah, unbuckled from her car seat, demanding, “Hannah do it!” Her father, instead of trying to prove to her that she is too young, decides to help her find out what she can do, but he will protect her while she’s making the discovery. Instead of being sarcastic and stepping back, he says, “I’m here if you need my help.” He stands far enough away that Hannah can maneuver but close enough to help her if she needs it. She does fine until the slick sole of her shoe slips on the door frame. She starts to fall and reaches out a hand. Her father grabs it and restores her balance. She lets go of his hand, holds on to the armrest, and climbs the rest of the way out safely. They both rejoice at her accomplishment. Later her father tells the family proudly, “Hannah climbed out of the car by herself today!”
Consider the difference in the messages of the two scenes. In scene 1: “You’re too uppity and you need a good lesson. When you learn it, you’ll know that you’re too young to try things on your own.” In scene 2, the father encouraged self-help but provided the protection needed for Hannah to be successful. The Hannah of scene 2 sees her father as a facilitator of her independence; the Hannah of scene 1 does not.
When independence is a strong cultural priority, the first stirrings of it prompt adults to begin to encourage and facilitate it. However, in some cultures, interdepen- dence is the priority, and signs of independence may trigger a push on the part of the adult to work harder to promote the cultural goal. For example, in Japan some parents find their children too independent from the start, so they begin right away giving lessons in dependence. Teachers of toddlers are concerned about children feeling part of the group more than those children seeing themselves as indepen- dent individuals. Examples in Tobin’s research show the teachers stepping back and letting the group solve a problem with an individual child instead of intervening. The teachers’ behavior relates to their priority of individual children gaining a sense of belonging to the group (Tobin, Hsueh, & Karasawa, 2009). They want to help children see themselves as connected, not separate.
Promoting interdependence isn’t the same in all cultures. Tobin’s work shows a difference between Japan and China, for example. And, of course, every family in either of those countries isn’t the same. This is a matter of themes and varia- tions on the themes. When interdependence is a goal and adults see children begin to assert themselves by pushing aside adult help, it’s possible that the lessons in
M03_GONZ2275_07_SE_C03.indd 50 10/8/15 1:11 PM
Supporting Families with Autonomy-Seeking Youngsters 51
m ni
nn i/
Fo to
lia
Families that focus on independence might encourage their children to feed themselves; families that focus on interdependence might spoon-feed their children
Ls an
til li/
Fo to
lia
interdependence will intensify, especially if the specific objective is to teach children to accept help graciously.
Self-Feeding. Some adults have different priorities for toddlers. Self-feeding, in par- ticular, is not a priority for everybody. For some, the goal for children is learning to help others rather than helping oneself. Therefore, they may model helping skills by spoon- feeding children into the preschool years or beyond. They may justify their actions in a number of ways, including their desire to keep things neat and clean and not waste food, for example. When a professional and a parent see something like self-feeding from very different perspectives, arguments and angry feelings can result.
It’s important as a family-support person that you not get into arguments about your different perspectives, but work on your relationship with the family and practice good communication skills so you can work out differences together. See Strategy Box 3.1 for some ideas about how to work through conflicts.
When Conflicts Arise: Strategies for Working with Families ◆◆ In the face of differing ideas about care practices, seek to establish common ground
with individual families without simply imposing regulations, rules, and restrictions. ◆◆ The first step in looking for common ground is to suspend judgment. Make your
goal to talk about the differences and see the family’s point of view. ◆◆ Develop appreciation for contrasting patterns of care and understand that they
need not be mutually exclusive. ◆◆ Aim for consensus in the face of conflicts and differences in perception. ◆◆ If you are feeling highly emotional about a particular issue, do some self-reflection to
understand why this is a particular “hot button” for you. Gaining insights into your personal issues may help you better understand the family’s perspective.
Box 3.1
S t ra teg y
M03_GONZ2275_07_SE_C03.indd 51 10/8/15 1:11 PM
52 CHAPTER 3
Toileting. Toileting toddlers is another area where values of independence and in- terdependence can collide. Just as no culture produces adults who are unable to feed themselves, no matter how late they start, no culture produces adults unable to toilet themselves. But the approach and the timing can be quite different.
When most child development specialists and early childhood professionals discuss toileting, they consider it from the independence perspective. Their advice is to watch for signs of readiness, which fall into three general categories: physical, intellectual, and emotional. Physical readiness means the ability to hold on and let go. A first sign is when children go for longer and longer periods with a dry diaper. Physi- cal readiness also is determined by children’s ability to handle their own clothing— pulling down pants, for example. A sign of intellectual readiness is when children tell the adult after eliminating or indicate in other ways that they are aware and can com- municate what is happening with their own bodies. Emotional readiness comes when children show a willingness to use a potty or a toilet instead of diapers. The timing for these signs varies with each individual, but in general they seldom appear before the second birthday.
An adult with a priority of interdependence may look at toileting from an entirely different point of view (Gonzalez-Mena, 2013). This person won’t wait for a child to reach the age of two but may start when the child is as young as a few months; some may even start at birth, as they try to “catch” the baby and hold him or her over a potty. Readiness takes on a whole different meaning when the goal is interdepen- dence. The KidsHealth website gives information about how the toileting process works, which can be enlightening to those who worry that this approach can have harmful side effects.
Just a few years ago this idea of considering using a potty before two or three years of age was not considered appropriate by most European- Americans and their pediatricians. Times are changing! A new trend toward early toileting shows the idea of moving toward eliminating diapers in infancy is growing. Instead of being consid- ered “old fashioned” or “foreign,” it’s becoming the latest thing for some European- American parents. An article in Twins magazine by Kahwaty (2006) explains not only how to toilet-train a baby, but how to train two of them at once. The article points out that the United States is a “diaper culture” so babies using potties is a “foreign idea.” The trend even has a name—infant potty training (IPT) or elimination communication (EC)—and at least one website that is referred to as DiaperFreeBaby. Of course, the research starting way back with Freud and his psychosexual theory indicates that toilet training using the approach described by these articles and websites is harm- ful. But one has only to look at the context of Freud’s time, the society, the culture, attitudes toward sex and children, and so forth to see the kinds of influences that brought Freud to his conclusions. Another consideration to examine is the fact that his patients needed therapy. No one studied the people who didn’t need therapy.
Professionals in the United States frown on training children during the first year, partly because in the past this approach has sometimes been associated with using harsh methods. It is important to recognize that toilet training differences can be cultural—or not—and that harshness is not necessarily a part of the process. The Twins article warns against using either rewards or punishment or even showing disappointment if the methods aren’t successful. The article stresses that the adult should be relaxed and not have an opinion about whether the child goes or not.
Here’s how toilet training using a conditioning method works. Timing is crucial. Sometimes the adult can predict based on the baby’s regularity. “Time to hold her over the potty,” says the adult periodically. Also, the adult learns to read subtle body
M03_GONZ2275_07_SE_C03.indd 52 10/8/15 1:11 PM
Supporting Families with Autonomy-Seeking Youngsters 53
messages that indicate the baby is about to wet or defecate. The baby learns to let the adult know, and the adult trains the baby to let go at a signal—usually a shoosh or a whistling sound. It’s truly amazing to a teacher whose only experience is with toddlers to see how young babies with the help of an adult can manage dry diapers most of the time.
“It’s the adult who’s trained, not the baby!” is a common reaction to this in- terdependence approach. Teachers who use the ”readiness”-approach rather than the “catch them” approach are sometimes critical of those who wait—and vice versa. Yet each method can work well for the adults and children who are using it. Both approaches eventually result in children who are able to handle all of their own toileting.
Toileting can become difficult when the child perceives that his or her autonomy is being usurped and who then fights back. Some children even feel that the adult is depriving them of something that is rightfully theirs—their body products! The resulting power struggle can be ugly and its effects long-lasting. Some children with an unfortunate toileting history may be left with big control issues that pop up in a variety of arenas. But don’t assume that every family who believes in toileting before the first year uses harshness or force.
When a difference between toileting approaches becomes apparent, it is impor- tant for the professional to set aside assumptions and judgments and talk about the differences until each party understands the other.
Working with parents around differences in ideas about toileting can be difficult and cause conflicts. Review Strategy Box 3.1 for ideas on approach- ing a conflict with a family. And always keep the relationship in mind when you enter a conversation about differences. Your first priority should be to keep the relationship intact, if you already have one, or to build a relation- ship if this family is new. Listen to them!
A Sense of Possession It is important to note that not all cultures are object-oriented to the same extent and that not all regard personal pos- sessions as important (Rogoff, 2003). In a culture that does prize personal possessions, a sense of ownership and its counterpart—a willingness to share those possessions— become important develop- mental steps. What many adults of this culture don’t realize is that the one must come before the other. With- out a firm sense of possession, children can’t truly understand the concept of sharing.
There’s quite a difference between the infant who doesn’t
Watch this video to see an early childhood teacher having a conference with a parent about her child using the toilet. Do you think this scenario is focused on toilet training or toilet learning?